So, I’ve moved out of Pina’s this weekend. My need for space, independence and feeling of self-sufficiency drove me to take the plunge. My new place is a cute little apartment in the centre of town so is a stone throw away from the markets, bars and restaurants. Bit dark (lack of windows) but homely with wooden beams on the ceiling and nice brickwork with little brick arches inside. When I first saw it I could picture being there and making coffee in the kitchen and I could visualise flowers in the little cubby holes, pictures on the wall and books on the coffee table. I could just generally see it being mine.
Many of you will think I’m crackers to leave Pina. A few people have responded to the last blog saying things along the line of “make the most of living with Pina. Get her to do your washing and have dinner on the table when you get home. She’s lonely and wants to fuss over you. Let her." But it did just get a little too much. When I got in from work she’d be waiting by the window waiting for me calling out “Anna!!” as I walked through the gate. It might have been a 12 hour day and I’d be ready for quiet time but then she does the “ following me around the kitchen setting my table, getting stuff out for me, practically tucking a bib into my top” thing. It got frankly annoying. I realised that I had to leave before she literally started cutting my food up for me on my plate, putting it on a fork and saying ‘open wide!’ in a baby voice whilst making aeroplane noises and slow motion putting the food in my mouth.
To ne honest though, I have actually grown to really love Pina, but we had two totally different expectations from the “relationship”. It’s in her nature to mother and mollycoddle. She needs it at the moment. She’s always had someone to care for and now I think she needs me to fill that void. She wanted a daughter. But it’s in my nature to want to be self-sufficient and independent, especially now starting a new job. We just had different perceptions of boundaries. For her, it’s acceptable and kind to cook for me, tidy my room, make my bed, take my dirty washing out of my room(then wash, iron my clothes and even fold my knickers), talk to me through the door when I’m in the shower, follow me around the kitchen when I cook and sit next to me and look at me when I eat, wake me up in the morning, wait for me at the window after work. For me, yes sweet, but incredibly invasive and suffocating too. Sometimes I’d get in from work, and feel the almost guilty relief of cycling around the corner and noticing her car wasn’t there so I knew I could do my own thing and have some space for the evening.
The day I decided for sure I was leaving was the day when I found myself leaving the house without breakfast. Breakfast had become my only guaranteed meal time when I knew I could make it myself and sit quietly, sleepily reading my book and slowly waking up whilst waiting for the caffeine to kick in. I got into a bit of a routine/system of dopily plodding around the kitchen still unable to think never mind make small talk in Italian. That morning I got the hallwall, noticed the kitchen door unlocked (which is strange as usually every door in the house is locked) and light spilling out into the hallway....and there she was, getting my cereal bowl out and putting my coffee on. No. I couldn’t face insisting I’d do it because I knew she’d just say “sit down” and just do it for me and then I’d have to sit there eating my Italy’s own special K whilst she sits and watches me eat and I’d feel obliged to make small talk in Italian when I can hardly string a sentence together in my own head, in English. So I found myself just popping my head in saying “ciao” and walking out.
That night she was waiting for me at the window, as normal, and as soon as I got up the stairs she followed me into my room and started telling me she’d do “everything” for me because “you’re my daughter”. I had to put my foot down again and say thank you but I WANT to wash my own clothes, cook for myself etc but she kept repeating “I’ll do everything for you”. I keep repeating that I needed my own space/independence. We went around in circles for a while until she dramatically shrugged her shoulders in that Italian mamma way and said “ok!”. She then asked me, straight away afterwards what I wanted to eat. We’d had this “I want to do everything for you/I want my independence" conversation nearly every day from day one. She wasn’t going to get what I wanted and I wasn’t ever going to give her what she wanted either. It wasn’t going to work.
Telling Pina I was leaving was hard. I had genuine pre-break up nerves the whole day. Butterflies and sweaty palms. It was difficult and awkward especially with the language barrier. Being sat there at the kitchen table with my dictionary quickly fumbling through to find the most tactful thing to say next. Overall all though she was understanding and must have seen it coming as I’d said “I need my independence” nearly every day prior to this. A few days later I became ill (thanks to the snotty nursery kids, I think). It’s ironic isn’t it how when something ends or it’s about to end you really appreciate and or need it. I just felt really groggy, heavy headed, lethargic and with a really bad throat (to the point where my voice nearly gave up). My air-headed nature that’s somehow developed since arriving here kicked into overdrive and I lost ALL my keys (for Pina’s house, the school, my bike lock and even for the castel where I teach in Castle Retaldi); I felt totally blank when trying to plan lessons, even blanker in my afternoon lessons and my head just felt empty. Luckily Vicki was there to get the priest to let me into the castle and offer me some prompts when I went blank in class. But it wasn’t a great feeling being so scatty and unimaginative. The week before I’d slept in late one day, nearly cycled onto the motorway instead of to the train station another day-I have recently felt generally a bit disorganised, forgetful and less able to think on my feet. Really frustrating. I half thought that Pina’s mollycoddling was a contributing factor to my blonde-ness. Doing everything for is disempowering and arguably encourages an idea that I can’t do anything independently like waking up or getting to work. But to be honest, it’s probably due to the fact that it’s a new job with a whole lot of other “news” thrown in-new language, people, local bars, town, country, routine, culture, students etc etc. I have to be patient with myself, or just get a grip...So anyway,after my mega scatty/ill day I was finally ready for Pina fuss. As I walked through the gate, I looked up at the window and the light flooding out and smiled when Pina called out “Annnaaa!!”rather than rolled my eyes. I then almost bounded up the stairs and when Pina was waiting for me at the top I put on my best baby voice, stroked my throat and told her how ditzy and poorly I felt. She sat me down in the kitchen and made me warm milk with honey, honey on toast, made me gargle vinegar, then gave me more milk and honey, then dissolved a paracetamol in water and made me drink that, then gave me an extra throw on my bed and sent me to bed early. It was a real comfort. She’s the perfect woman to be around when you feel ill/run down or heartbroken to love you, fuss you and comfort you....but when you’re trying to be tough, organised and self-sufficient it’s a battle. Everything has its place I guess.
I did find leaving Pina hard. For one, I’ve grown attached to her. On top of that, Pina is a crier. It’s pretty standard that she’ll cry on a daily basis-she would literally cry over spilt milk-but like I said, for like a second, and then she’s fine again. But on the day I left I did find the tears a bit difficult. I bought her some flowers and she cried. When I was eating my lunch that she’d made me (chicken rice stew thing-yeah, my vegetarianism is basically going out the window) she cried. When I was taking all my stuff to the front door I glanced at her though the kitchen door and she was sat at the table crying. That really did me in. When she saw the apartment, apart from her standard racist comments about the dangerous Moroccans and that my area is the “Naples of Foligno” (it’s down a narrow ally with high walls, a bit of graffiti and washing hanging out of people windows) she was actually very sweet. She was complimentary and even bought me some grapes and a bottle of red wine with those little biscuits you dunk in. She drove me back to hers so I could collect my bike and cycle back to my new home. This is going to sound mega cheesy, but the image is in my head so I’m just going to go with it; she was stood on the steps of her house and it was really windy “multo vento!!” and the sun was in her face and she was crying. Struggled with that. We had a massive hug and I ran and jumped onto my bike and cycled away before she pulled my heart strings a little too much.
I feel a mixture of feelings now; guilt (I guess I feel bad to be leaving and making her feel yet again abandoned), apprehension, excitement, un-certaincy...and yeah, a bit nervous. I’ve been craving my own space for a while now, practically screaming out for it at some points, but now I’m about to have it doubts are starting to set in. Like, what if everything Pina’s said is right-what if I can’t manage on my own, financially, practically. What if I get lonely....but then again, the un-known is always been nerve-wracking than actually being in it. Once I get settled I’ll be able to get into a routine and make the place my own, I’ll have the independence I’ve been craving and can leave my bed un-made if I wish and lounge around in my PJs in a Sunday morning too if I want. I can leave when I want, have my coffee in the morning in peace and come in when I want.
But, underneath it all, I will miss Pina. She is one of the most interesting, complicated, funny and sad characters I’ve ever met. Amongst all her comic eccentricity, amazingly blunt and refreshingly honest one-liners, old school racism, high and mighty attitude, obsession with money and lack and boundaries there’s something really heart-breaking heart warming about Pina. Whilst she was in some ways suffocating and made me feel like a baby, she has shown me a ridiculous amount of love and I might just miss her greeting me in the morning and telling me I look beautiful for work and waiting for me at the window to come home and greeting me with a “ciao bella” and a kiss on the cheek.
